Dorothy Grey’s RADIOACTIVE Salon Cold Cream
Bruh…WT FUCK did I just watch?! How in the hell did this make it past a board meeting? You mean to tell me that the hottest broads in the 50s were rubbing radioactive creams on their faces as they kissed their children and made about 5 more after that? This brings a whole new element to the question “Maybe she’s born with it?” Your irresponsible Grandma definitely wasn’t born with it but after using this garbage, makeup isn’t going to fix the appearance of her children. If this was on the market today, the show Jon & Kate plus 8 would be renamed as Jon & Kate plus 8 squared because all of their kids would have two heads and fucking tentacles.
My favorite part from the whole commercial was when the advertiser said “It’s just radioactive enough”. Even Don Draper and the fellas at big tobacco must have been laughing their asses off at that one-liner. No wonder why their address was at Grand Central Station. They probably ground up all of that radioactive granite as their “secret” ingredient. They also claim that the cold cream “Cleanses up to two and a half times more thoroughly than any soap or other cleansing cream tested”. Yeah…and it’s only about a million times more radioactive. It’s really shocking to me that after everyone’s faces were melted off in WW2 that they would even attempt to make radioactive anything in consumer products. Thank God North Korea doesn’t have the internet yet because if Lil Kim J. caught wind of this, he’d have enough cream to make a hundred nukes. At least we know how Trump maintains his orange glow. I wonder if he glows in the dark when he’s eating radioactive McDoubles in bed too?
It also makes me worried about the things we’re using today that we’ll look back on in 20 years and be baffled that we even used them. Can you imagine if, I don’t know, Tide Pods are bad for us? That would definitely be a shock to the system if we found out about something like that down the road. Anyways, I just feel bad for the few housewives that actually tried this shit out. I’m going to get on the phone right now to call G-Ma to ask her a few important questions. It might actually explain a lot of things for me.