Are you enjoying this year’s Winter Olympics? Yeah, I’m not watching it either. It’s not because I’m boycotting the games or other sporting events like some of you Sphinxes out there. It’s because I’m a grown ass man in New England and I’ve already been participating in my own personal Winter Olympics. Unfortunately for these games, there’s no medalists, only losers. After representing my region for almost 3 months straight now, it made me wonder; “What if the rest of the world had to compete in the events New Englanders have to compete in on a daily basis”. Instead of worrying about which country can Swiffer Ice better than the other, let’s see who would come up on top of the single most important winter game there is to a New Englander; speed brushing snow off your car.
Imagine this daily scenario, folks. It’s 8:00 a.m. You just woke up. You hit your snooze button 8 times already because you’re a piece of shit. You have an important meeting at 9:00 a.m. sharp and it takes you 45 minutes to get into work. Okay, okay, you got this kid. Turn on the shower, but don’t take it. You need the steam to magically press your business clothes, the same ones you were going to iron last night but as already previously mentioned in the beginning of the paragraph, you’re a piece of shit. Okay, spray cologne on and brush your teeth and you’re good to…NO!
You forgot you lived in New England and the sky literally hired Tony the Tiger to pour a thousand boxes of frosted flakes all over your car. And guess what? That big pussy also spilled all his milk on the driveway so now you have to figure skate your way across a 45-degree angle to get to your car. You slip and fall all the way down the driveway and nearly get hit by a plow as it passed by you seconds before you landed in the road. Good thing you hit that snooze button for an eighth time, huh? This might be the time to call in sick as all hope is lost but let’s face it, you already used up your sick day to sit at home and cry that the Patriots lost in the Super Bowl. But winners don’t cry, they make crying noises like a penguin successfully running away from a Polar Bear. Bingo! Now you know how to get up the driveway. After a big running start, you slide on your stomach up the driveway and hang onto your car’s rear tire for dear life. You unlock your car and go to use your toothbrush sized ice scraper but that’s a rookie move for a dire situation like this. Most other Americas would fail right out of the gate on that one. Your car is also not the size of a Hot Wheel so you can already count every European nation out too. You’re a New Englander. You use your head and your body. You scrape all the snow off with your body and get out of your house in record time to get snagged speeding on the high way by an unmarked state police cruiser. With a $450 ticket for “reckless driving”, you could have probably bought yourself a bronze medal for that effort.